


Mine.

by finching



Category: Phandom
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Cute, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Diary/Journal, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, High School, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, Sad, Suicide, its in diary form, sad as fuck, sad as hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-06-03 16:53:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6618628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finching/pseuds/finching
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan loves Phil too much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mine.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this quickly so I don't expect it to be very good. I hope you enjoy anyway!

February 2nd, 2016

I study him. His eyes. Cornflower blue. Wide with curiosity. Eyelashes long and tan. Sometimes hidden behind thick framed glasses. His skin, pale. It contrasts with his hair, and his hair contrasts with his eyes. I stare at his lips. Thin. Pink. When he smiles, the sides lift up, but so does the rest of his face. He smiles everywhere. He smiles with his body and his eyes. Every fibre of his being is happy. So different from my rare grin, usually fake and over quickly like a firework. He’s sweet and light and breezy and happy. Soft and warm. Like a library. I want to curl up in his warmth all day. I can’t fathom how the universe can fit that much beauty and goodness and perfection into one human. Soft. Beautiful. I sit and stare at him from the corner of the room. French class. Doux et chaud is what they say in French. Soft and beautiful. Cozy and warm. Mine.

Almost.

February 4th, 2016

Maybe he’ll love me someday. He’ll learn to. Maybe not. Perhaps I’ll learn to not love him. To get over it. Maybe. I don’t think he could ever love me as much as I love him. I adore him. If you asked me who I wanted to be when I grow up, it’d be him. He’s perpetually happy. That’s what I love most about him. Sweet and good. He goes out of his way to help out or make people feel special. He makes everyone feel special. But if everyone is special, no one is. How will I know if he thinks I’m special? Special. Special. Special. Will he treat me differently? No. Because he treats everyone like they’re the most important people in the world. Maybe they are. Maybe we’re all the most special, but others use their specialness for good reasons. Phil uses his for good. I don’t know if I have any specialness left in me. I think it was all washed away in a sea of sadness and disembodied voices.

February 5th, 2016

He talks to me more now. He’s strange. He makes strange jokes. He knows an unnecessary amount of useless facts. Even if his jokes aren’t funny, I’ll laugh. I laugh or smile at everything he says. And sometimes they’re real smiles. When I make bad jokes, he giggles. He sticks his tongue in between his teeth and his eyes scrunch up. His laughter is like music only privileged individuals get to hear. I love it. I learned his favourite band his Muse. That’s mine, too. It’s the only thing I can talk about without feeling awkward and disconnected. I think he understands. We talk about Muse. He shares useless animal facts and I laugh. He laughs. We laugh together.

February 6th, 2016

I think I’ve fallen totally in love with him. It hurts. I want him to be mine.

February 8th, 2016  
He said yes, he’s mine. 

February 10th, 2016

His lips are soft, just like I’d imagined. He’s everything I could ever dream of. He says he loves my smile. I only share it with him. He deserves it. He deserves everything. His hands are delicate and gentle. I got to hear him hum once. It was like listening to angels. His voice isn’t very good, but it’s the best I’ve ever heard. I couldn’t imagine him leaving me. He’s perfect.

January 3rd, 2017

It’s been a year. I love him so much. I said so, and he froze. I haven’t seen him in a while. I still love him. We’re okay.

January 7th, 2017

I think he’s going to leave me. It’s okay. I’ll still love him. I don’t think he could handle someone loving him as much as I do. He’s not as happy as I’d thought. It hurts to see him like this. He said that no one’s ever loved him before, and that he was scared. That’s the last thing he said to me.

January 9th, 2017 

He talked to me again today. His voice was like a song I hadn’t known I’d forgotten. He only asked what the date was, but it felt like we’d reconnected. We didn’t. He still left me. 

January 10th, 2017

He’s less happy now. He doesn’t smile as much anymore. I miss his smile so much. It hurts so badly. I’m the one who made him like this. He isn’t happy. He never was. It was all an act. I couldn’t fucking see through it

January 14th, 2017

He’s gone. I could have saved him, I think. I could have waited on the ‘I love you’. We could have been happy together. But I didn’t. He’s gone, and it’s my fault.

January 19th, 2017

I went to his funeral. It was sad. I cried a lot. I hardly had the energy to get up that morning to get dressed. I had to. His mother sat by me. She likes me a lot. She told me that she’d never get the image of her son hanging from the ceiling out of her mind. It’s permanently etched behind her eyelids. I told her what she wanted to hear. 

“It’s okay.” I said cautiously. She weeped and Mr. Lester held her. I’d never be able to see his beautiful eyes again. I’d never be able to kiss his knuckles or call him beautiful and sweet and all the things he deserves. He’s gone. And there’s nothing I can do to change it.

February 24th, 2017

It’s been about a month. It still hurts. Mum allowed me to stay home for the week. I lied and bed and cried, clutching the stuffed animal he’d given to me to my chest. I found a shirt he’d left at my house and wore it nonstop. It sounds stupid, but it did smell like him. I needed to be close to him again. It pained me to think about him. I did anyway. I feared I might forget his voice, but I had no recording of it. I played his hum over and over in my head. I am never going to forget his voice.

April 5th, 2017

I forgot his fucking voice. It’s gone. 

June 6th, 2017

The smell of his shirt wore off. I’m okay. I still love him more than anything. It still hurts. He made me okay, then he left me alone. I stopped being okay. I was in a state of in between okay and not for a long time, but now I’m really fine. I love him still. I really love him. Even if he’s gone, It’s okay. I’m okay. He’s gone, but I’m finally okay.


End file.
